A Rap Kobe Ought To Lay On Shaq

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Wednesday - July 02, 2008

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Shaquille O’Neal’s latest mic work did little more than prove bad rap is not reserved for Miami-based bleached blondes with exaggerated fades and PR-created bios of supposed credibility. Stringing together lines with the lyrical flow of a lawn sprinkler, O’Neal went all Jay-Z/Nas on Kobe Bryant, saying, “You know how I be, last week Kobe couldn’t do without me.” He continued with ridiculous self-congratulatory posturing not heard since Project Pat rapped about hunger pangs so severe to mimic Hungry Hungry Hippos.

More bizarre than his reference to Notorious B.I.G. -“So in the hood, dog, I feel like B.I.G., because if Biggie was here, he’d be right there on Star Island in a mansion somewhere chillin’, sittin’ on about half a billion, because me and guns combined s*** that’s half a billion!” - was his inclusion of Patrick Ewing and Kareem Abdul Jabbar into his so-called playful MC battle.

Now, I’m not about to proclaim any Ph.D. expertise in hip-hop sociology, but B Rabbit made it clear that rap battles are one-onone conflicts testing skill, intelligence and vocal dexterity while busting a verbal cap in someone’s okole. Shaq did just that - minus the skill, intelligence, vocal dexterity and a competitor to test his rhymes against. Without being present, Kobe had no chance to defend his cred in a public forum, and so far has been silent. At the end we’ll help him find his voice, but, in the meantime, one must question what made the Big Cactus so prickly.

It wasn’t but a few years ago that the Lakers could lay claim to arguably two of the best players to have ever played their respective positions. But monster egos split apart what was the most dominant team since the Bulls’ messy divorce. Fast forward a couple of years and one is a shell of his former self while the other reached the pinnacle of individual achievement that can only be surpassed by a Hall of Fame induction. What was once an amusing exchange between two rivals has turned into a pathetic attempt by one at holding on to relevance by attacking someone who is still in his prime.

Since the 2002-2003 season, O’Neal’s numbers and minutes have been in a free fall. His scoring average dropped almost 14 points, his rebounds dipped from 11.1 to 9.6 per, and his assists from 3.0 to 1.7. His glass-cleaning ineffectiveness was even worse before his departure from Miami, where he pulled down a mere 7.8 rebounds before being traded to Phoenix.

Outside of his commercial impact, Shaquille O’Neal has not been a relevant factor on a basketball court in a number of years. His move to the desert did little more than create headlines and questions about how the plodding 325-pound center could co-exist on a team built around speed and passing. Being the figurative center of attention did help invigorate the 14-time All-Star, but he was never the force in the middle the team had hoped for.

The Suns limped home with a .620 winning percentage that was down from the .698 mark the team established before the trade. The final disappointment came when the Suns were knocked out in the first round of the playoffs in five games to the Spurs. So bad have things become for the big man that he even lost his special deputy’s badge from Bedford County after his verbal assault on Bryant and the music industry in general.

An assist to Kobe:

You know how it be, you wouldn’t have won a thing without Dwayne and me

You call yourself big, but your rhymes are silly

You can’t sit down without your pants splitting

For real dog you may be B.I.G. but you were nothing before or after me

That’s like O.J. after he left the AFC

That’s like Sanford after he left the Y.A.R.D.

That’s like Superman with kryptonite

That’s like a light bulb that just ain’t too bright

Now, stop and think about that If you hit the Slim Fast, you wouldn’t be so fat

Now it’s just me and the MVP

So tell me Shaq, why you jealous of me